James

“I had a gun in my mouth, ready to pull the trigger, when something from the depth of my soul cried out to God — and I was an atheist.”

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What they struggled with

Drug addiction Alcohol addiction Pornography Sexual addiction Shame Father wound Suicide attempt Relationship breakdown Divorce

False refuges

Pornography Searching for love Sexual behaviour Alcohol Drugs Identity / performance Intellectual searching

What this story reveals about God

Relentless pursuit Unconditional love Patience Restorer Father's heart Shepherd's heart

Religious background

Roman Catholic Agnostic Atheism

Main testimony theme

Secondary theme

Deliverance and freedom

How they came to faith

Hitting rock bottom Intellectual conviction

God accusation

God requires worthiness

Content advisory

Before you watch

This testimony contains a detailed suicide attempt, years of pornography and drug addiction, demonic manifestations in a home, and a marriage nearly destroyed. What makes it worth watching is the specificity of how one man traced every addiction back to a single childhood lie about rejection — and how God dismantled it.

What this story teaches

People don't primarily have addiction problems — they have identity problems. Every compulsive behaviour is a coping mechanism for a lie about who they are, and the lie almost always has a specific origin in a wound they can name.

How God moved

The lie James carried

They don't want the real me — they want me to pretend. I have to perform and hide to be accepted. I'm not enough as I am.

What Jesus showed him

James had built his entire life around the lie that nobody wanted the real him — that he had to perform, hide, and maintain a persona to be accepted. The secret life he started as a child to avoid rejection became the architecture of every addiction and every failed relationship he carried into adulthood.

Go Deeper

If you are a porn addict and you're struggling, I'm telling you right now, you don't have a porn problem. You have an identity problem. There's a lie that you're believing that's leading to that. And if you never discover the lie, you're only going to be maintaining behavior and it's only going to last so long. The father wants to heal you of the lies that you're believing, not the porn. The porn will come later. When you are healed of your identity issue, the porn is going to fall away like you wouldn't believe. Also — I'm begging you as a Christian — please try to see your wife, try to see the people of the world that you encounter, not as monsters who are trying to hurt you or take something from you, but try to see them as the fallen creature that need Jesus so badly. They just need the love of Jesus. They need the truth. And for anyone who is suicidal — you, like me, are a child of God. He loves you. He doesn't have strict rules for you. He has protective boundaries for you because he loves you. Find Jesus. Jesus is your healer.

People don't primarily have addiction problems — they have identity problems. Every compulsive behaviour is a coping mechanism for a lie about who they are, and the lie almost always has a specific origin in a wound they can name.

What you can take from this

This week, identify one recurring trigger that makes you feel rejected or not enough — and instead of reacting, ask a curious question about what the other person actually meant. You may find, like James did with the garden hose, that what felt like rejection was actually love.

Core lie

From childhood bullying, speech impediment mockery, and class-based exclusion, James absorbed the lie: 'Nobody wants the real me — they want me to pretend. I have to perform and hide to be accepted.' This drove every addiction and relational pattern for decades.

Progressive entrapment

Pornography entered at age 11-12 as a tool for social acceptance, escalated through adolescence, intensified with sexual addiction, and by the time of the conversion crisis had reached three times daily use of extreme content — a decades-long progressive entrapment.

Spirit of religion

James's Catholic upbringing gave him a false image of God as 'angry, disapproving, distant — an entity I needed to appease.' When he failed sexually as a teenager, this lie told him he was already condemned to hell, which became the justification to abandon all restraint: 'If I'm already going to hell, I might as well have fun.'

Self-condemnation cycle

Post-conversion, the enemy weaponised the pornography addiction to generate a shame-and-doubt cycle: 'Maybe I'm not saved. Maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe God's not healing me because there is no God.' James described going to church every week unable to tell anyone, hiding and hoping it would go away.

Unnamed entity

The house became demonically active after the roommate practiced witchcraft and voodoo on the household — including voodoo dolls with nails representing James and his wife. Manifestations included a Sega Genesis playing without power, exploding outlets, doors opening, and the roommate's eyes turning completely black with an expression of pure hatred.

Isolation pattern

The rejection lie caused James to misread his wife's acts of love as rejection — seeing her concern about the garden hose as criticism, her emotional withdrawal as proof she didn't love him. The enemy was using surface lies to escalate marital conflict and prevent intimacy.

1

Out of the depth of my soul came this cry out to God. Immediately obviously that shocked me because I considered myself an atheist at this point. And so the shock caused me to just take the gun out of my mouth and just sort of put it down.

2

I downloaded the Bible app. And I remembered that my father said if you ever decide to read the Bible fully, you should start in Matthew. So I started in Matthew. I started reading and it starts with a genealogy... and then I'm falling in love with Jesus again.

3

I disclosed everything to her, all of the pornography addiction. And in that moment, the rejection fear in me — I had been rejected my whole life — I'm certain that at the end of this conversation that's when the 'I'm out of here, I'm getting a divorce.' My fear of rejection was finally overcome by my conviction in that moment.

4

Biblical counseling intensive — two days in a row, eight hours a day. The therapist used cognitive behavioral therapy and had each of them tell their life story on a board. James saw himself clearly for the first time and said 'I don't want to be that person on the board.'

5

I started learning this new identity of grace. We are children of God. When the Holy Spirit entered me, I became a new creation. I'm his child — there's nothing I can do that's going to make me stop being his child. That's my identity now.

6

By the grace of God, after five years, my wife decides to give her life to Jesus. After seeing the transformation in her husband, going from a horrible husband and drug addict to this man serving God, she just couldn't deny it anymore.

Ephesians 2:8–10

The verse that broke the performance lie — salvation is not earned; he was already God's masterpiece. This was the moment of conversion.

Exodus 14:14

His combat scripture against the limbic lie that he had to fight for himself — 'The Lord will fight for you. Just stay calm.'

Zephaniah 3:17

God singing over him — used to counter the rejection lie with God's declared delight.

Revelation 12:10–11

The accuser of the brethren — they overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony.

James 4:7

Submit to God, resist the devil and he will flee — the foundation of his spiritual warfare teaching.

John 3:16

God loved the world — used to counter the childhood image of an angry God who sends people to hell.

John 8:32

You will know the truth and the truth will set you free — the foundation of his identity-based recovery ministry.

Luke 23:34

Father forgive them — Jesus forgiving his murderers while being murdered, cited as the model of forgiveness James calls believers to.

Ephesians 6:14

The belt of truth — integrity as the foundation of spiritual armor; without it the breastplate and sword cannot be held.

James left the faith of his childhood, spent himself in riotous living, hit rock bottom, and returned to the Father who received him with grace.

A self-described atheist/agnostic was stopped mid-course by a sovereign encounter with God and immediately became a passionate disciple.

James poured alcohol, sex, and pornography into a thirst that could not be satisfied until the peace of Christ filled him at conversion.

A man with no life left — suicidal, addicted, marriage dead — breathed on by the Spirit and raised to new life and purpose.

The accusation

God requires worthiness

What they said

“Jesus, you are the healer. Like, why are you not healing me? Right? Maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm not saved.”

How God answered

Reading Ephesians 2:8-10 broke the lie — salvation is not a reward for good things done, and he was already God's masterpiece. He didn't have to perform or hide. He was already loved.

Resolution

Fully resolved in testimony

James's Christian Walk

Drugs gone completely from day one of conversion, never wanted them again. Alcohol eventually gone. Smoking gone. Transformed from a husband who did nothing around the house into one who served his wife daily. Wife gave her life to Jesus five years later after witnessing the change. Marriage restored. Pornography addiction broken after disclosure and biblical counseling. Now leads others to freedom.

When the Holy Spirit entered me, I became a new creation. I'm his child — there's nothing I can do that's going to make me stop being his child.

All of the drugs completely gone — day one, no problem, never even wanted them ever again. Smoking gone.

All of the drugs completely gone — day one, no problem, never even wanted them ever again. The alcohol took a little longer but eventually completely gone. Smoking gone. So all of my addictions fell away except pornography addiction. Eventually got free of pornography addiction through identity work and disclosure.

Prayer

The power of Prayer — father who gave one piece of advice years before conversion stood in the gap for James.

James's father told him once — years before he believed — that if he ever decided to read the Bible fully, he should start in Matthew, not Genesis. At the moment of crisis, the Holy Spirit brought that single sentence back to James and he obeyed it, beginning the reading that led to his conversion.

Is today your day?

Yes — I'm Ready

Absolutely, He will.

You don't have to figure everything out right now.

You don't need to have all the answers.

If something stirred in your heart while you were watching or reading — that's not nothing.

That is the Holy Spirit gently knocking on the door of your heart.

Stay right here. There's no rush. The Spirit doesn't pressure or hurry.

Watch another video. Read a little more. Take your time.

When you're ready — even if “ready” just means a little curious — Jesus is ready to meet you.

You don't have to clean up your life first.

You don't have to pass any test.

You only need to say a simple “yes” to Him.

He will take care of the rest.

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

Luke 11:9

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