Ashley

“I was lying to everyone around me, had attempted suicide twice, and was on the floor of my dorm room when God appeared to me in a white room and told me he had never stopped seeing me.”

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What they struggled with

Childhood sexual abuse Shame Suicide attempt Loneliness / isolation Drug addiction Alcohol addiction Mental health Demonic oppression

False refuges

Identity / performance Searching for love Alcohol Drugs Running / moving away

What this story reveals about God

Relentless pursuit Unconditional love Patience Father's heart Restorer Shepherd's heart

Religious background

Protestant Christian

Main testimony theme

Secondary theme

Deliverance and freedom

How they came to faith

Supernatural encounter Hitting rock bottom

God accusation

God allowed this to happen to me

Content advisory

Before you watch

This testimony contains graphic descriptions of childhood sexual abuse, two suicide attempts, and years of compulsive deception rooted in a desperate hunger to be loved. What makes it worth watching is the specificity of God's response — he met Ashley in a white room on a dorm floor and named every moment he had been present when she believed she was invisible.

What this story teaches

People who feel fundamentally unlovable will construct elaborate false selves to earn what they believe they cannot simply receive — and the collapse of that false self, however painful, is often the very thing that creates space for an encounter with the real thing.

How God moved

The lie Ashley carried

I am so disgusting and unlovable that no one could ever truly want me — I have to fabricate who I am to earn any love at all.

What Jesus showed her

Ashley believed her whole life that she was so disgusting and fundamentally unlovable that no one could ever truly want her — a lie planted through bullying, sexual abuse, and emotional unavailability that drove her to fabricate an entirely false self. Jesus met her on a dorm floor and named her as seen, known, and never abandoned.

Go Deeper

People who feel fundamentally unlovable will construct elaborate false selves to earn what they believe they cannot simply receive — and the collapse of that false self, however painful, is often the very thing that creates space for an encounter with the real thing.

What you can take from this

This week, identify one thing about yourself you have been hiding or performing around — and tell one safe person the truth about it, without adding anything to make it more impressive.

Core lie

From age 7-8, through bullying at school, abuse by extended family, and sexual abuse by a peer, Ashley internalized the belief: 'I am so disgusting that these are the disgusting things people do to people like me.' This core lie drove years of compulsive lying to manufacture a lovable self.

Counterfeit spirituality

A voice told Ashley around age 9-10: 'Create who you want to be. You can correct God's mistakes. God made a mistake with you.' This counterfeit offer of self-creation mimicked divine creative authority and drew her into years of compulsive fabrication.

Fear-based control

The enemy tormented Ashley: 'If you confess to people that you were lying, you will have no one. If you do this, everyone that you just got in your life will leave and you will be back to square one. What you felt was a hoax.' This immediately countered her conversion at 13 and kept her in bondage.

Progressive entrapment

The lying escalated progressively from small stories about Jamaica to claiming dead siblings, pregnancies, and fabricated tragedies. Each successful manipulation fed the hunger for more, creating a compulsive cycle that became a full-time job and eventually collapsed publicly.

Spirit of death

Ashley described two suicide attempts — taking pills and alcohol on the dorm floor — and a period of passive self-destruction through drinking, drugs, and sexual recklessness, hoping one of them would take her. She described being 'as closest to death as I ever have been' during the second attempt.

1

I got to the front of that church, I kneled and balled my eyes out. And I remember I felt that embrace that I felt at 13 years old when God wrapped his arms around me and I was asked, 'Do I accept the Lord Jesus Christ as my savior?' And I felt that same moment again in that space.

2

I confided in some of those young ladies that were on campus with me and told them that I needed support. I needed someone to help me not go back into the lifestyle that I was in.

3

We would meet up very often. We would have a lot of prayer nights. There would be a lot of nights where we stayed together up until like 5:00 in the morning to avoid being in those areas that we weren't supposed to be in. 5:00 praying, reading our Bibles, laughing with one another.

4

God began to allow me to even open my heart for therapy, which was very beneficial. I have been with a Christian therapist that has helped me dissect a lot of the areas of my life and shine God's light in some of those areas, those deep dark areas.

5

It wasn't actually until my late 20s. I started to speak with my parents about the abuse. I told them little by little. I told my mom and dad about the bullying. I told them about the sexual abuse.

Ashley repeatedly ran from God, fabricated a false life, hit rock bottom, and was received back with embrace and love — not condemnation.

God took Ashley's spiritually dead, fragmented identity and began to breathe life and true selfhood into what she had destroyed.

The pastor prophesied Ashley's calling as God's communicator — a new identity declared over her replacing the false one she had constructed.

The accusation

God allowed this to happen to me

What they said

“God, why did you create me like this? Why why would you make me this messed up? Why would you keep me here to be taunted and unloved and molested and not cared for? Like why would you create somebody like me? You made a mistake with me.”

How God answered

God appeared to Ashley in a white room during her second suicide attempt and said: 'Ashley, I didn't make a mistake with you. I love you. I've always loved you. I seen you when no one else saw you. When you were crying, I was there. When you were wrestling within, I was there.'

Resolution

Fully resolved in testimony

Ashley's Christian Walk

Stopped compulsive lying and manipulation. Found genuine, healthy community with like-minded women. Opened her heart to Christian therapy, which brought clarity to deep wounds. Reconnected with her parents and disclosed childhood abuse. Began sharing her real story — through poetry — without needing to add fluff or appease others. Discovered her own likes and identity apart from what others wanted.

God wanted me to become new... he wanted to take the life that I had and create something so beautiful out of this muddy mess that I created.

Prayer

The power of Prayer — Campus worship community and pastor stood in the gap for Ashley.

A spontaneous worship service in Ashley's college dormitory lounge drew her in while she was drunk and heading to get more alcohol. A pastor laid hands on her, prayed over her, helped her to her feet, and prophesied that she would preach the gospel. The community then became her discipleship group, meeting for prayer nights until 5am and holding her accountable in love as she learned to stop lying.

Is today your day?

Yes — I'm Ready

Absolutely, He will.

You don't have to figure everything out right now.

You don't need to have all the answers.

If something stirred in your heart while you were watching or reading — that's not nothing.

That is the Holy Spirit gently knocking on the door of your heart.

Stay right here. There's no rush. The Spirit doesn't pressure or hurry.

Watch another video. Read a little more. Take your time.

When you're ready — even if “ready” just means a little curious — Jesus is ready to meet you.

You don't have to clean up your life first.

You don't have to pass any test.

You only need to say a simple “yes” to Him.

He will take care of the rest.

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

Luke 11:9

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