Karen

“I was a pastor's wife with no peace and no joy, hiding decades of childhood sexual abuse behind titles and performance, until God asked me: 'Why are you so mean to yourself?'”

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What they struggled with

Childhood sexual abuse Father wound Shame Fear / anxiety Bereavement / grief Unforgiveness Demonic oppression Loneliness / isolation

False refuges

Achievement / fitness Religion without relationship

What this story reveals about God

Father's heart Relentless pursuit Patience Restorer Defender Healer

Religious background

Protestant Christian

Main testimony theme

Deepening Faith

Secondary theme

Deliverance and freedom

How they came to faith

Relational influence Supernatural encounter

God accusation

God allowed this to happen to me

Content advisory

Before you watch

This testimony contains detailed accounts of childhood sexual abuse by a family member and a long-term abuser, as well as emotional abuse by a mother who never believed her. It is heavy content — but what makes it worth watching is that Karen is 66 years old and still standing, still pastoring, and still specific about exactly how God lifted her head when she could not lift it herself.

What this story teaches

People who were abused by those who represented God — a minister, a policeman, a father — often end up with a distorted image of God that mirrors their abusers. The wound and the theology get fused, and no amount of Bible knowledge fixes it until someone addresses the wound directly.

How God moved

The lie Karen carried

I can never measure up. Everything I did was never good enough. I see myself the way my mother sees me.

What Jesus showed her

She had spent her whole life seeing herself through her mother's eyes — never good enough, never celebrated, always tolerated. The sexual abuse by a minister and a policeman had fused her image of God with her abusers, leaving her fatherless on the inside even while standing in a pulpit. God named it: 'You don't have the eyes of my eyes.'

Go Deeper

I know there's people praying for you. And I know that God wants to do a great and mighty work in everybody. And my heart and my desire is to see people set free. I'm so tired of the enemy tormenting people. And until the day I am 66 years old, I don't care how long — my message is going to be a message to the heart, a message of healing and deliverance and discipleship to get the word inside of us and to be able to rise up and have our spiritual armor on and be able to come against the evil one and share with people that Jesus loves them and that he is the one that can heal them and bring total restoration to their hearts and their lives. I am just so grateful that my grandfather took me to church. That's how I know. I'm so grateful that he brought me to a place where I could at least hear about Jesus and have someone love me and pray for me.

People who were abused by those who represented God — a minister, a policeman, a father — often end up with a distorted image of God that mirrors their abusers. The wound and the theology get fused, and no amount of Bible knowledge fixes it until someone addresses the wound directly.

What you can take from this

This week, notice one thing you say to yourself that you would never say to a child you loved. Ask God to show you where that voice came from — and whether it is actually his voice at all.

Core lie

I can never measure up. Everything I did to love my mom and do anything and everything for her to get her acceptance was never good enough and I felt never good enough. I held all these lies inside of me that the enemy just pulls and triggers me all the time. Every thought that comes to me is coming against my own self.

Spirit of fear

The Lord showed me that my mother had a spirit of fear that had come into her. And not only her but she had put that fear into us and that I had partnered with that fear. I didn't reject that fear. I partnered with it. Everything she said against me that I couldn't do I partnered with.

Isolation pattern

I found myself hiding behind titles. I felt like if someone got close enough to me that they would see the shame, they'd see the ugliness in me and they would not want to be around me. And so I found myself hiding behind titles — swim team, cheerleading year after year after year. I felt that if I could hide behind something that no one would get close enough to me.

Core lie

He convinced me that no one would believe me if I told anybody, that they would send me away. And I felt that abandonment already. I felt that there was no one to protect me. I felt on my back I had something that said fatherless, uncovered, unprotected.

Self-condemnation cycle

I kept thinking it was my fault. My mother didn't take my side — she held that against me like I wanted that, that I must have done something for that. Even more guilt and shame came on me thinking she thinks it was my fault. I feel shame. I feel awful. I feel like I'm not good enough. I would speak these things out against myself.

Fear-based control

Fear will take you down and keep you stuck. I had never been so afraid in my life. The enemy has tried to silence you your entire life by beating you down, by abusing you, by making you feel that you're worthless, that you have nothing to say to people, that no one wants to hear what you have to say.

1

I cried out to God and God just came on me in such a precious way and he said I am your father and I love you with an everlasting love. From that moment on I begin to walk with him.

2

They took us through this inner healing ministry where people were always praying for you. They would go through all these snare sheets of everything that you had done in your life and you would mark it and everything that you had come in agreement with. They'd be praying over me at about a spirit of fear. And I remember at this time something like a vacuum sucked this thing out of my stomach just outside of me and I just fell backwards.

3

I had partnered with that fear. Everything she said against me that I couldn't do I partnered with. I believed every lie that she spoke to me. I accepted that as a lie. And I remember going to the conference and they showed me these areas that the enemy had access to through the sexual abuse for years and through all the lies and those soul ties and they ministered with me on that.

4

He began to teach me how to not speak words of death over myself and to cut off those words and that my words were to be life and that I was to start coming to agreement with what he said about me and who he says I am.

5

I've always forgiven my mother, I've forgiven people who have hurt me over and over again, and would even pray over them, 'Lord, please don't let anything come on them. Please don't hold this against them.' I did that my entire life because I had a heart to forgive. I have been forgiven. That's part of the healing. That's the number one thing that keeps people bound in bitterness and unforgiveness.

6

God said, 'Would you stay if I asked you?' And I said, 'I will stay.' I just felt really gutted, but I felt that God was there with me.

Psalms 3:3

Speaker references 'the glory and the lifter of your head' — she said she thought 'he's going to have to lift my head because I can't lift my head.'

Luke 13:11–13

Speaker explicitly identifies with the woman bent over for 18 years who could not lift herself up — her central metaphor for her inner bondage.

John 8:32

Speaker quotes 'the truth shall set you free' and says she wanted truth in the inner man, not just in the head.

Psalms 68:5–6

Speaker references God as father to the fatherless and giver of the lonely to a family — her personal cry and later her testimony.

Hebrews 10:38

God quoted to her: 'I find no pleasure in those who shrink back' — the near-audible word that broke her fear and sent her into the pageant.

Revelation 21:4

Speaker cites God wiping away every tear and no more sorrow — comfort after husband's death and declaration of hope to viewers.

Revelation 2:17

Speaker references the new name written in glory — applied to her husband's whispered words 'Faithful warrior' as his heavenly name.

Esther 4:14

God told her the Esther anointing would be on her; she identified her mentor as her Mordecai preparing the orphan girl for the king.

2 Corinthians 12:9

God told her 'My grace is like manna' — a paraphrase connecting sufficient grace to daily provision during her husband's illness.

Romans 8:18

Speaker says everything on earth will not compare to the glory in heaven — comfort received through the intercessor's vision of her husband.

2 Corinthians 10:5

God taught her to take every thought captive — she describes learning she could reject thoughts like refusing a UPS package she didn't order.

Karen explicitly identifies with this woman — bent over on the inside, unable to lift herself, until Jesus lifted her head.

God told Karen the Esther anointing was on her; a mentor appeared as her Mordecai to prepare the orphan girl for the stage and the king.

Karen's journey from fatherless orphan to receiving the Father's embrace mirrors the prodigal's return to a celebrating father.

God explicitly told Karen 'My grace is like manna' during her husband's illness — take one day at a time, provision given daily.

Her dying husband whispered 'Faithful warrior' — Karen understood this as his heavenly name given by God, confirmed on his headstone.

The accusation

God allowed this to happen to me

What they said

“I felt that God was not for me. I felt that he was judging me like my mother would judge me.”

How God answered

God spoke directly to her: 'I am your father and I love you with an everlasting love and there's nothing that can separate us.' He showed her she had been seeing him through the lens of her abusers and her mother, not through his eyes. He celebrated her publicly through Mrs. Michigan and proved himself a personal, present Father.

Resolution

Fully resolved in testimony

Karen's Christian Walk

Spirit of fear physically removed during inner healing ministry session. Shame lifted — 'that blanket of shame came off me.' Remarried after husband's death through what she describes as God's direct choice. Overcame stuttering to speak publicly. Forgave mother, abusers, and herself. Built a 35-year healing ministry. Avoided the grief paralysis that consumed her mother.

I felt like I was a brand new person. I felt God — I felt so much love for the first time in my entire life.

A spirit of fear — 'something like a vacuum sucked this thing out of my stomach just outside of me and I just fell backwards.'

A spirit of fear — something like a vacuum sucked this thing out of my stomach. The lies and soul ties from years of sexual abuse. The shame and guilt I carried from childhood. Speaking words of death over myself. The anger and rage towards God. The core lie that I could never measure up and was never good enough.

Prayer

Is today your day?

Yes — I'm Ready

Absolutely, He will.

You don't have to figure everything out right now.

You don't need to have all the answers.

If something stirred in your heart while you were watching or reading — that's not nothing.

That is the Holy Spirit gently knocking on the door of your heart.

Stay right here. There's no rush. The Spirit doesn't pressure or hurry.

Watch another video. Read a little more. Take your time.

When you're ready — even if “ready” just means a little curious — Jesus is ready to meet you.

You don't have to clean up your life first.

You don't have to pass any test.

You only need to say a simple “yes” to Him.

He will take care of the rest.

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

Luke 11:9

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